The Insidious Rise of the Barbie Phone: A Threat to Humanity’s Sanity
In a move that has left experts scratching their heads, Finnish firm HMD has teamed up with toymaker Mattel to unleash a new abomination upon the world: the Barbie Phone. This garish, pink monstrosity is a feature flip phone that will make you question the very fabric of reality.
Priced at a whopping £99 (R2 300), this phone is a luxury item that only the most tone-deaf individuals will be willing to part with. And what do you get for your hard-earned cash? A phone that can only make calls and send texts, with no access to social media apps. It’s like stepping back into the dark ages, but with a worse haircut.
The phone’s design is a mess of flashing lights and garish colors, featuring hidden designs that light up in the dark. Because, you know, what’s more appealing than a phone that screams "I’M A 10-YEAR-OLD’S PLAYTHING" at the top of its lungs?
But don’t just take our word for it. Ben Wood, chief analyst at research firm CCS Insight, had this to say: "I’d imagine quite a few people will be tempted to buy it as a bit of fun, but in reality, everyone is so dependent on their smartphones that anything more than the odd day of detox will be a stretch." Yeah, because nothing says "fun" like a phone that’s only good for making calls and sending texts.
And the best part? HMD is expecting to sell over 400 000 of these abominations in the UK alone. Because, you know, people are just clamoring for a phone that’s only good for making calls and sending texts.
Phone Specifications:
- Networks: GSM/GPRS 900/1800, WCDMA, LTE Cat1 (because who needs 5G, anyway?)
- Operating system: S30+ (because who needs Android or iOS, anyway?)
- Variant: Dual Sim/single Sim (because who needs more than one phone number, anyway?)
- CPU: T107 (because who needs a powerful processor, anyway?)
- Storage: 128MB + 64MB (ROM/RAM), microSD support up to 32GB (because who needs more storage, anyway?)
- Display: 2.8-inch internal screen and 1.77-inch external screen (because who needs a high-resolution display, anyway?)
- Connectivity/sensors: Bluetooth 5.0, USB type-C and 3.5mm AV jack (because who needs wireless charging, anyway?)
- Battery: 1 450mAh battery (because who needs a long-lasting battery, anyway?)
- Audio: MP3 Player, FM radio (wired/wireless) (because who needs streaming services, anyway?)
- Dimensions: 108.4×55.1×18.9mm, 123.5g (because who needs a phone that’s easy to carry, anyway?)
- Camera: VGA camera with torch as flash (because who needs a high-quality camera, anyway?)
The Verdict:
The Barbie Phone is a monstrosity that should be banned from the face of the earth. It’s a phone that’s only good for making calls and sending texts, with a design that’s more suited to a kindergartener’s plaything than a adult’s phone. But hey, if you’re into that sort of thing, go ahead and waste your money on this abomination. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.
