Once, her family helped us while we were away. Their expenses were around €25. Shortly afterwards, they gave us a money gift. My wife still transferred them significantly more than their actual expenses. To me, it felt like she was trying to “pay back” a gift immediately.
Another time, we looked after an older family member from her side for two days. We bought small items, brought food, and drove there several times. Direct costs were around €40–50 plus driving. Afterwards, that person offered to invite us for coffee and cake. I would have accepted because it was voluntary. My wife did not want to, so we paid for ourselves.
At a family outing with several adults, we ended up paying the entrance fees for everyone, even though it had not been clearly discussed as our invitation. Later someone else covered a small thing, but it did not feel proportional.
There was also a larger family gift where we were expected to contribute more. Someone much closer to the recipient contributed much less. The recipient is not financially worse off than we are, so I found the expectation difficult.
My wife says I am being stingy and that “this is how family works.” She also says that if you suggest an activity, you should be prepared to pay for everyone. I disagree. To me, “Do you want to do something together?” is not automatically “I am paying for everyone.” An invitation should be clear.
I am fine with generosity when it is conscious and agreed upon. What bothers me is when shared money, shared products, or shared work are treated as automatically available for her family, while accepting voluntary invitations or reimbursements feels almost forbidden.
Author: Kayitsi.com
