The way Craig brings up a baseless rumor in the middle of a fight with Austen is a perfect example of his erratic behavior since the big breakup.
Photo: Bravo
It must be tough being Craig Conover, being that handsome and yet that consistently wrong. Just look at this non-fight with Austen that Craig turns into a big deal by handling the situation as deftly as a blindfolded juggler with vertigo. Craig initially got mad that Austen was making cracks about him hanging out in the hot tub, drinking with girls. He starts with telling Austen that it’s silly to be against fun. He is entirely correct. Then he says that Austen is just jealous that Craig is single and he’s not because he might be unhappy in his relationship, which is also correct. Then he says, “Austen, keep running your mouth and Shep is going to say something that’s going to ruin your life.” Okay, now you’re wrong, now you’re entirely wrong!
His first incorrect assumption is that if Austen keeps talking, Shep is going to step in and defend Craig, but Craig doesn’t need defending, and he is the one who turned Austen being a bit of a dick into this whole fight that is going to ruin Whitner’s birthday party. His second incorrect assumption is that Shep knows something that will ruin Austen’s life, which I don’t think he really does. This is why the cast keeps talking about how they’re afraid of Craig and how unpredictable he is. It’s the escalation from nothing to scorched earth. Madison points out that over the past several years, when he was with Paige and drinking less, he was focused on his business, being successful, and getting along with his friends. Since the breakup, he’s back to drinking and, well, cue the old footage of Craig being an asshole for no reason!
Craig and Austen go inside to continue their fight, and Shep tells the table what Craig is talking about. Apparently, when Shep was in New York a few weeks ago, some women in a bar approached him and told him that their friend was talking to Austen. Shep brought this up to Craig to ask if he should even concern Austen about it, and Craig said “no,” to preserve Austen’s peace. I think that is the right play. Can these random strangers in a bar, whose friend very well could be lying to them, be trusted? No. Craig knows this. However, as soon as he was a little peeved at Austen, he brought it up. Sure, he doesn’t exactly spill or reveal what was said, but he does mention it at a group event in front of cameras and then forces Shep to bring it up when they both decided that it wasn’t worth it.
Dude, that’s wrong! Not only is it then giving credence to something that is no more than a rumor, something that Craig already dismissed as a made-up attack on his reputation, but it’s also putting Shep and Austen’s relationship in jeopardy because now Austen is mad at Shep for talking to Craig about his relationship. Now, I know there would be no show without these guys talking shit behind one another’s backs all the time, but fair is fair, and when they both decided not to bring it up, they should have left it there.
Inside, Craig and Austen’s fight gets deeper with Craig saying he’s upset with Austen for saying he’s afraid of him. Then he calls it a lie, saying that Austen isn’t afraid of him. Then he asks him, “Are you afraid of me?” while yelling and displaying the exact behavior that, yes, Austen is afraid of. This is what drives me crazy about Craig. He says that Austen is lying and not scared of him, but then later he tells Salley, “I’m not going to be gaslit into thinking I did something wrong.” Craig is the epitome of believing feelings over facts. If he feels Austen isn’t afraid of him, then that is a fact. If he feels he did nothing wrong, then he did nothing wrong, and any attempt to convince him otherwise is “gaslighting,” the incurable gonorrhea of words.
The problem is that Craig is wrong. He brought up something he and Shep decided wasn’t worth mentioning in front of both a group of people and the cameras. That makes sure it’s going to be discussed even though he’s still hiding behind not being the one who said it, like an idiot standing in a hurricane with a bodega umbrella. He even says, “I tried my best not to get involved.” Dude! You brought it up! There would be nothing if not for you! If people tell him that raising the issue is wrong and he should apologize to Austen, as multiple people suggest, that is not “gaslighting,” that is having a different opinion (and the correct one). That is being a good friend and telling Craig he was out of bounds. That is defending truth, decency, humanity, democracy, net neutrality, and the $5 foot-long.
When Craig talks about gaslighting to Salley, she and her extra e tell him how great he is and how he’s really just misunderstood. But is he? Is he great? This is so Salley, to drop everything and agree with a man just so that she’ll pick her, choose her. There is one person who has Salley’s number and that is our beloved Molly. As the fight was raging inside, Salley said she was telling Craig to apologize; she wasn’t just over there flirting. Molly says it looks like she was flirting, and Salley then tells Molly to hush up because she knows Molly has been talking about her. Salley said she was talking facts about Molly behaving inappropriately at Madison’s shower, but Molly was making things up about Salley calling dibs on every man in Charleston.
This is where the fight gets exciting. Salley asks who she has been calling dibs on. Then Venita, who is her best friend, mind you, grabs the muggle sitting next to her and starts pawing at him, doing a Salley impersonation and saying, “Craig! Craig! Craig! Craig!” Molly then calls Salley out on telling Charley not to talk to Craig, which she says she didn’t say. Then both Venita and Rodrigo, my favorite cat dad, tell her that, yes, she did say that and the footage proves it. I love that Salley is trying to change the story, trying to convince us she didn’t do something, and even her friends are like, “No, you are that bitch. Own it.” Salley, like any Englishman on any beach anywhere in the world, is burnt.
The day after the fight, we find out that Salley and Charley kept Craig company in his hot tub until 4 a.m., but that nothing happened. Salley thinks it’s weird that Craig didn’t make a move. He says in a confessional that when he’s after a girl, he likes to play a long game. Then he has Charley come over with a bunch of art that looks like it was lifted from the conference rooms of airport Best Westerns. Oh, Charley is totally winning. It seems like Craig is way more into her than into Salley. However, if I were to predict what is going to happen, I would say that Salley is going to make a move on Craig, they’re going to bone, and that is how Salley is going to “win.” Then Craig will end up pursuing Charley, and Salley will get all bent out of shape. I’m telling you, I have read the tea leaves (i.e., the remnants of Jell-O shots at the bottom of Craig’s hot tub).
Also, after the party, we get a nice scene with Madison and her son Hudson, where she talks about waiting for the new baby and her changing relationship with her son. Then we get a glimpse into Whitner’s life and, well, it’s giving viral morning routine with Saratoga Springs water vibes. He gets up at precisely 4:35 a.m., takes the dog out, runs and exercises for a few hours (and, damn, son, it’s working!), and then he is at work at 8 a.m., working as a lawyer and calling his adorable mother. If I wasn’t fully in lust with our man before, well, I am now, Patrick Bateman cosplay or no.
The episode ends with the boys talking to their confidantes about what they should do about the fight. Charley tells Craig that he should apologize, and he agrees, but he doesn’t. Shep tells Molly that he told Craig about the rumor he heard without ill intent, but that Craig brought it up at the party with ill intent. Austen is still more likely to forgive Craig first because that’s the weird relationship they have.
Finally, Austen has Rodrigo come over with his two new kittens, who were part of a litter from Rodrigo’s cat. One is named Martini and the other is named Piper, just so that in a full-circle Southern Charm moment, Austen can shout, “Piper, noooooo!” at the cat like Parker Posey in The White Lotus. As he’s talking about Shep and Craig both talking about him behind his back, he realizes that maybe they’re not his friends after all. As he says this, Martini and Piper are tottering their way along the couch cushions, still not entirely confident in their bodies, still not afraid of the world and all their horrors. ’Tini walks right into Austen’s lap, mewing up at him like she has a message, something deep to tell him. When he reaches out to touch her, she rolls herself up and folds herself over, tucking her whole body so that it fits in Austen’s meaty hand. That’s all she had to tell him, that was the entire message, and it’s one that Austen hasn’t received in a long time.
