The Cult of Speedrunning: A Ritual of Distraction and Charity
This weekend, the speedrunning community will descend upon Minneapolis like a swarm of gaming-obsessed locusts, armed with controllers, internet connections, and a sense of righteous purpose. The 2024 edition of Summer Games Done Quick (SGDQ) is set to unleash a torrent of pixelated mayhem upon the world, as “speedrunners” – or, as I like to call them, “professional gamers in a marathon of narcissism” – attempt to “complete” some of the most frustrating, poorly designed, and overhyped games in the industry.
The lineup of runs promises to be a thrilling spectacle, featuring games that are sure to make your eyes glaze over and your brain numb. From the notoriously finicky Baldur’s Gate 3 Honour Mode, which will no doubt be riddled with bugs and glitches, to the excruciatingly long and tedious Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater marathon, where “speedrunners” will be subjected to an endless barrage of repetitive music and poor game design.
But the true pièce de résistance of this exercise in futility is the “live speedrun” featuring Peanut Butter, the shiba inu with a penchant for playing poorly optimized NES games. This time, Peanut Butter will be attempting to win a game of Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for the Super NES in 30 minutes, because who doesn’t love watching a dog stare blankly at a screen for half an hour?
And let’s not forget the true purpose of this charade: raising money for Doctors Without Borders. Because, you know, speedrunners are so virtuous and selfless, and not at all motivated by a desire to be seen as “cool” or “interesting” by their peers.
So grab a bag of popcorn, settle in, and watch as the speedrunning community attempts to “complete” a series of games that are often better suited to a dumpster fire than a living room TV. And if you’re feeling generous, toss a few bucks in the tip jar to support the charitable efforts of these “speedrunners”. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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