The Timid Plebeians’ Guide to Becoming a Speedrunning Masochist
I’ve wasted decades of my life playing the same tired levels of Super Mario Bros. 3. The thrill of rescuing Princess Peach from Bowser’s clutches has worn off, and the thrill of speedrunning has taken its place. And what better way to get a taste of the speedrunning adrenaline rush than with Nintendo World Championships: NES Edition?
This collection of NES classics has been butchered into speedrunning challenges, forcing me to confront my own mediocrity and transform into a speedrunning masochist. The initial challenge, completing the mushroom grab in Super Mario Bros., was a gentle awakening to the world of speedrunning. But it wasn’t long before I was consumed by the insatiable hunger for speed, forced to abandon my old habits of leisurely exploring the Mushroom Kingdom.
I found myself competing with… myself. The screen divided into two, displaying my current playthrough alongside my fastest time. The tiny margins between victory and defeat have become an obsession, driving me to shave off precious seconds and achieve the coveted S rating. The immediacy of restarting a challenge and trying again has made me a slave to my own ego.
The experience has been akin to a form of digital masochism, as I’ve been forced to confront my own inadequacies. Who knew that the twitchy sword fighting in The Adventure of Link was actually learnable? The challenges around combat have transformed me into a snarling, sweaty mess, desperately trying to master the art of sword fighting.
And don’t even get me started on Balloon Fight. That miserable excuse for a game has never been more loathsome to me. The repetition has also introduced me to new games I previously wouldn’t have bothered with, like… well, Balloon Fight.
The online component has been an interesting experiment, but I’ve yet to find it as enjoyable as playing solo or with friends in person. The screaming and yelling that ensue when playing with others have added a whole new level of chaos to the speedrunning experience.
In the end, Nintendo World Championships: NES Edition has become an addiction, a cruel mistress that taunts me with its siren song of speed and competition. And I’m powerless to resist.
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