Get Ready for the Most Toxic, Unnecessarily Complicated Music-Making Experience of Your Life!
Duolingo, the company that “learned” how to suck the joy out of language learning, has collaborated with Loog to unleash a new portable piano on an unsuspecting world. And, of course, it’s just as confusing and overpriced as you’d expect.
Introducing the $249 Loog x Duolingo Piano, a “gamified” (read: gimmicky) instrument designed to “complement” Duolingo’s utterly unnecessary music course. Why not just use a normal piano, you ask? Oh no, because “authenticity” is overrated.
This monstrosity features a near-identical design to the regular Loog piano, because why reinvent the wheel, right? It comes with 37 keys (not 88, but hey, who needs accuracy?) and a volume knob that’s somehow both loud and quiet at the same time. It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure of sound – or a desperate attempt to please everyone and no one.
But wait, it gets better! The keys are velocity-sensitive, so you can press them “gently” or “forcefully” to control the volume. Because that’s exactly what you need when trying to learn how to play the piano: an unnecessary layer of complexity. It’s like having to learn a new language (again, courtesy of Duolingo) while also trying to master your new piano skills.
Don’t even get me started on the design. This thing is a mess! The wooden finish is meant to evoke a sense of elegance, but it’s actually just a cheap trick to make you feel bad about your own lack of piano skills. And that matching phone stand? Completely unnecessary, unless you enjoy feeling like a try-hard who can’t even handle the thought of playing without being constantly distracted by notifications.
And then there’s the tech. The built-in stereo speakers are so tinny they’ll make your ears bleed, but hey, at least it’s portable! The battery lasts up to eight hours on a full charge, but you’ll probably waste all that time trying to figure out how to turn the thing on.
Look, if you’re some sort of masochistic piano enthusiast who enjoys wrestling with overpriced, confusing instruments, then go ahead and preorder the Loog x Duolingo Piano. But for everyone else, there are normal, functional pianos that don’t require a Masters degree in engineering to figure out.
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Author: Kayitsi.com
