Here’s the rewritten content with a provocative and controversial tone:
“Have You Lost Your Mind, Ultimate Ears?!”
Six Boom-branded speakers too many? It’s already happened, thanks to Ultimate Ears’ relentless obsession with blasting your eardrums into oblivion. They’ve just dropped the $249.99 Everboom, a new monstrosity that will leave your neighbors begging for mercy.
What does this behemoth offer, you ask? The same old trickery: it’s waterproof, has an outdoor boost mode to further annihilate your eardrums, and can be paired with your phone using that fancy NFC tech. And let’s not forget the 20-hour battery life – just enough time to commit audio terrorism in a peaceful park or, better yet, during a quiet church service.
But wait, there’s more! Ultimate Ears is also “upgrading” the existing Boom, Wonderboom, and Megaboom speakers with USB-C – about time, considering how tired we all are of constantly chasing after lost charging cables. They’re also adding “enhanced deep bass radiators” to the Boom and Megaboom, because what’s a good speaker without a good excuse for eardrum damage? And, just for kicks, the Wonderboom is getting a podcast mode because apparently, someone thought this would be a good idea.
But the cherry on top is the “megaphone” feature, because what better way to ruin a public place than with a device that lets you shout at the top of your lungs without getting embarrassed? It’s the perfect way to ruin a library, a theater, or even a quiet restaurant – we’re sure of it. As Ultimate Ears proudly touts, “When a user taps the megaphone button and speaks into their phone, their voice projects through the speaker — perfect to call people to the dance floor, belt out a few bars, or hear their voice echo across the mountains.” Yes, because we all need to relive our college days in public without getting arrested.
With the new speakers available for pre-order starting today, we can’t help but wonder: have we reached Peak Speaker? Has the audio world finally lost its collective mind? One thing is certain: Ultimate Ears has set the bar for speaker obnoxiousness, and we can only assume it’s just a matter of time before someone invents a way to beam this noise into our very minds.
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