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The Great Startup Sellout
Welcome to Startups Weekly, where we expose the truth behind the flashy headlines and venture capital’s favorite playthings. This week, we’re diving into the latest batch of startups that have sold out to the highest bidder.
Canva’s Desperate Bid for AI Supremacy
Canva, the design platform that’s been trying to be everything to everyone, has acquired Leonardo.ai, a generative AI-powered image creation startup. Because what’s a design platform without a dash of AI-driven manipulation? We’re not sure what kind of dark magic Canva is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "revolutionary."
Airtable’s AI Heist
Airtable, the collaboration platform that’s been trying to corner the market on no-code development, has acquired Dopt, an AI-powered onboarding startup. Because what’s a no-code platform without a side of AI-powered control? We’re not sure what kind of AI-powered manipulation Airtable has in store, but we’re sure it’ll be "innovative."
Clutch’s Desperate Plea for Attention
Clutch, the marketplace that connects creators with businesses, has been struggling to stay afloat. So, what did they do? They sold out to Plaiced, an online social network that’s probably just as struggling. We’re not sure what kind of toxic waste Plaiced is dumping into Clutch, but we’re sure it’ll be "transformative."
Bending Spoons’ File Transfer Fiasco
Bending Spoons, the Italy-based tech company that’s been buying up struggling startups, has acquired WeTransfer, a file transfer service that’s been around since the dawn of the internet. Because what’s a file transfer service without a side of Italian flair? We’re not sure what kind of shady dealings Bending Spoons is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "exciting."
Rapido’s Unicorn Dreams
Rapido, the Indian bike-taxi startup that’s been trying to disrupt the mobility market, has achieved unicorn status with a $120 million funding round. Because what’s a unicorn without a side of Indian spices? We’re not sure what kind of cultural appropriation Rapido is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "disruptive."
Flo Health’s Fertility Fiasco
Flo Health, the fertility-focused period tracking app that’s been trying to corner the market on women’s health, has raised $200 million in funding. Because what’s a fertility app without a side of venture capital’s favorite buzzword, "disruption"? We’re not sure what kind of patriarchal nonsense Flo Health is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "empowering."
Knowde’s Chemical Conundrum
Knowde, the marketplace that connects buyers with chemical suppliers, has raised $60 million in funding. Because what’s a chemical supplier without a side of venture capital’s favorite acronym, "VC"? We’re not sure what kind of environmental disasters Knowde is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "sustainable."
VCs for Kamala
A group of venture capitalists, including Reid Hoffman, Vinod Khosla, and Mark Cuban, have pledged to vote for Kamala Harris in the upcoming presidential election. Because what’s a presidential election without a side of venture capital’s favorite plaything, the tech industry? We’re not sure what kind of crony capitalism these VCs are cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "progressive."
Tiger Global’s Departure Drama
Tiger Global, the venture capital firm that’s been trying to corner the market on emerging markets, has lost another partner, Alex Cook. Because what’s a venture capital firm without a side of drama? We’re not sure what kind of internal power struggles Tiger Global is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "dramatic."
Moxxie Ventures’ Fundraising Frenzy
Moxxie Ventures, the underrepresented founder-focused fund that’s been trying to corner the market on diversity, has raised $95 million in funding. Because what’s a fund without a side of venture capital’s favorite buzzword, "diversity"? We’re not sure what kind of tokenistic nonsense Moxxie Ventures is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "inclusive."
Last but Not Least
Applied Intuition, the autonomous vehicle software startup that’s been trying to corner the market on AI-powered transportation, has raised $300 million in a secondary sale. Because what’s an autonomous vehicle startup without a side of venture capital’s favorite acronym, "AI"? We’re not sure what kind of dystopian nightmares Applied Intuition is cooking up, but we’re sure it’ll be "revolutionary."
Author: Kayitsi.com
