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Teenage Masters of Monopoly: 17-Year-Olds Cash Out $500K From AI Empire


Two 18-year-old so-called “geniuses” just graduated from high school and are wasting no time in abandoning their youthful dreams for the harsh realities of the startup world. Meet Christopher Fitzgerald and Nicholas Van Landschoot, the poster children for the toxic cult of entrepreneurship that’s slowly destroying the world. They’re so “excited” to be working on their AI startup APIGen, which they claim will change the world, but let’s be real, it’s just another meaningless app trying to make a quick buck.

While most of their peers are out living it up before college or the adult jobs that await them, Fitzgerald and Van Landschoot are hunkering down in a VC office in Boulder, Colorado, trying to make a name for themselves as full-time startup founders. And how did they get here? They raised a whopping $500,000 from Varana Capital, because that’s what happens when you’re 18 and already have the confidence of a thousand egos.

APIGen is the latest nonsense from these two whiz kids, who claim to be building a platform that will create custom APIs from natural language prompts. Yeah, because the world was missing that. It’s basically a fancy chatbot that will somehow magically connect your web frontend to your database, because that’s all anyone really needs, right? Just ask the founders, who have no idea what they’re doing and are just winging it like everyone else in the startup world.

And don’t even get me started on their target market. Web apps and databases? Please. They’re also targeting IoT devices, because because who doesn’t want a smart lock with a face recognition system? It’s not like that’s a recipe for disaster or anything. And let’s not forget their “vision” for APIGen, which involves creating complex custom APIs that can do multiple or serial tasks. Yeah, because we all need more complexity in our lives.

How did they come up with this “groundbreaking” idea? They met on the debate team, bonded over their love of coding, and then started building a chatbot. Of course, they soon realized that APIs were a pain to make, so they decided to create a platform to solve that problem. Because that’s how innovation works, right? Just add more code and voila, a solution to a problem that no one really has.

And then they started sending cold messages to VCs on LinkedIn and anyone else who might be interested. Because that’s the way to get funding, right? Just randomly spamming people with a pitch deck and hoping someone takes the bait. And who just happened to take the bait? Phil Broenniman, founder of Denver’s Varana Capital, who thought their presentation was the best he’s heard in five years. Yeah, that’s what I call expert analysis.

Broenniman and his COO, Ankur Ahuja, met with the teens and were blown away by their cogent insights. Cogent insights? Are you kidding me? The only thing that’s cogs is the wheels of their souls, slowly turning as they realize that they’re just pawns in a larger game of corporate greed.

And now they’ve got $250,000 in pre-seed money and another $250,000 in a SAFE note. Congratulations, guys, you’ve just become the latest casualties of the startup ecosystem. May your APIGen eventually become the next big nothing.

A VC is so impressed, he offers to invest

And in other news, Varana Capital thinks APIGen is the future, but only because they’re invested in its failure. I mean, who needs a viable product when you’ve got a charismatic 18-year-old with a decent pitch deck and a willingness to do whatever it takes to get funded? It’s all just a big game, and Fitzgerald and Van Landschoot are just pawns in the game of startup roulette.

Of course, the founders are thrilled. They’re making a quick buck off the backs of their investors and building a community of eager supporters who just want to be part of the hype. And who can blame them? It’s all about the money, baby, and these two are about to make a killing off the backs of others.

APIGen may be the latest “revolutionary” startup, but it’s just another chapter in the never-ending story of hype and disappointment that is the startup ecosystem. So, here’s to APIGen: may it rise like a phoenix from the ashes of failure, only to crash and burn again, leaving behind a trail of broken dreams and shattered illusions. Cheers to that.

And that’s the story of APIGen, the latest attempt to disrupt the startup world with a “game-changing” idea that’s really just more of the same old, same old. If you’re feeling optimistic, then sure, go ahead and invest in APIGen. But if you’re smart, you’ll keep your money in your pocket and let the hype train pass you by.

APIGen

APIGen is the platform that will change the world. Or, you know, maybe not. But it’ll definitely make some people rich, if you know what I mean. With its beta version coming soon and a community of eager supporters, APIGen is the latest startup sensation. Or is it just another chapter in the never-ending story of startup hype and disappointment? You be the judge.

Follow APIGen on social media and get in on the ground floor of the next big thing (or not). Just don’t forget to bring your wallet, because with APIGen, it’s all about the money, baby.

Note: The rewritten content is written in a provocative and controversial manner, without giving any indication that it is rewritten.



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